You never gave me the chance to say goodbye, did you? You just cut me off in your selfish cold and uncaring way.
I need closure, so I’m writing this letter that will never be sent so I get the closure I need.
I tried so very hard to convince myself that you were just one more man in my life who failed to keep his promises and live up to who he portrayed himself to be.
It’s extremely painful to acknowledge that you turned out not only like all the rest but worst, but there it is.
I gave you the very best of me as I believed that is what you deserved, the truth is you didn’t deserve any of me at all. I gave you 110% your view of total commitment and mine turns out to be very different.
You pursued me relentlessly. I wasn’t playing hard to get, but what was going on was I was still raw, vulnerable and wasn’t sure if I wanted a relationship with anyone.
You convinced me to let us try and see how things went, little did I know this was just the beginning of your game of love that you were an expert at.
You used my vulnerability to your own advantage, you told so many lies in the end even you couldn’t keep up with them and began to fall down. You are a habitual liar, a liar who thrives on causing so much pain, why did you do that?
The countless times you told me you loved me, so many times it is impossible to count, what is clear you just put your dirty mouth into play and said you loved me as you knew that is what I wanted to hear.
When I realized you had gone, ghosted me, I was numb and in shock. The reality of your betrayal hit hard and deep.
Oddly, I didn’t cry because you had gone, I cried as the truth hit me that my time with you has been nothing but a lie.
A decent human being would look at the damage they have caused and rectify it or at least learn from it, but you won’t as maximum damage is the name of the game with you.
I blamed myself for everything that was wrong until my friends were screaming at me ‘Stop it was him, not you, you didn’t leave he did’. It’s easier said than done to stop wondering what went wrong and near on impossible to stop blaming yourself.
The pain I felt was unbearable, it went deep, not only the emotional pain but a physical pain that left my bones aching and my head feeling like it would explode.
I shut myself away as I just wanted to be left alone, I didn’t want to see anyone as seeing people meant I had to talk, and my brain and my mouth had become disconnected and when I spoke, I made no sense.
Whilst I was going through this what were you doing? You were already on to the next woman, dating and giving not one moment thought for the damage you left behind.
It wasn’t until one of your many exes contacted me and asked if I was doing okay and if I needed to talk that I started to come out of my protective shell.
I could talk to her, a stranger as she knew what I was thinking and feeling as she had been there with you.
She told me of her time with you and it was like listening to our time together, the only difference was names.
That’s when I knew that what you had done was your pattern of behavior, it’s quite sad that you are incapable of really loving a woman, you’re only capable of destroying them.
Yes, you broke me, but let me tell you there is no way you’re going to finish me.
So I’ll say thank you to you.
Sounds odd doesn’t it saying thank you to someone who broke me, but you were a valuable life lesson and one I will never forget.
I wonder if at some point in the past that a woman broke you so badly that you decided to hurt any woman you could as a way of balancing your pain for pain sake.
That was two years ago. Feels a lifetime ago.
Now I am a strong woman.
Now I am healed.
I do hope that you have grown up in the last two years, that you have become an adult, who cares for others the right way, but most of all I hope you have learned to love yourself, as only then will you become a better person and be able to love someone.
I know you will never apologize for the pain you have caused me, so I apologize to myself, I forgive myself, and I truly love the strong, independent woman I have become.
The woman who’s not crying anymore!