It wasn’t until we were finally ended that I noticed so much that I lost due to not being with you anymore, oh this isn’t about any of the good things I lost, this is about how you made me feel.
The feeling that I am always doing something wrong
I noticed this change first, I no longer was doing everything with you in mind, trying to keep you happy 24/7 was exhausting, I just didn’t notice it all the time.
Whenever I put myself first to do something I wanted to do, the whining from you would soon put a stop to that, now I do what I want when I want, and it feels amazing.
The idea that I can never be as smart or as successful as you
Yes, you were a smart one, but did you have to keep going on about it and telling me I was dumb?
I’m far from dumb, but to keep the peace I made out I was as when in the past I had proved I wasn’t to you, you made my life hell and the ridiculous amount of silent treatment until I would say ‘okay I was wrong, you’re right’.
The obligation to do things that I don’t want to do
You were so clever with this one, you would say things like ‘I’d love you to come with me’ or ‘This will be a great opportunity for us’ what you really meant was if you don’t come with me your life will be hell.
I had to rearrange my schedule to be free to go, then before I knew it our calendars were synced, and you had total control.
The constant need to be in contact with someone
I was always having to give you a running commentary of what I was doing and how my day was progressing even when at work, all via text, and OMG if I was slow in responding to you, you made my life hell.
The first week without you I felt like I was missing something, it suddenly hit me I wasn’t constantly texting, I had more energy, more control and it was exhilarating.
The comments made out of your own insecurity
You loved to make snide comments either to me or about me, you really thought this made you the better of the two of us. I would watch people’s reactions to what you said, and I saw the looks of pity aimed at me.
You thought you made yourself out to be something special, the reality is you made yourself look and act like a dick, I knew it, people around you knew it, the only one who didn’t know it was you.
I knew you were insecure, but that is not my problem, it’s yours and I’m no longer around to stroke your fragile ego.
The fear that by putting my hopes and dreams first, I was somehow putting you second
I had no idea until we broke up just how many of my hopes and dreams had vanished into the void of life.
You had worked on me to break me down, to give up what I wanted in life and only do what you said to me was okay to do.
Now I wake up with hopes and dreams, excitement, a lightness to my step, I’m no longer hunched over like an old woman living in fear of putting a foot wrong.
I took back control of my life, life after being with a narcissist is a wake-up call, and one I’m happy to wake from. I am so happy with all that I lost when I lost you.