Life with anxiety sucks big time. It drains you to the point of exhaustion and leaves you confused and wondering when it will end.
I often find myself writing out text messages to friends to arrange meeting up, yet when it comes to pressing send, I find myself having a panic attack and without at times knowing I’m doing it I erase the whole message then end up a sobbing wreck.
I miss spending time with my friends but the anxiety robs me of having that time with them. There is no way to rationalize why I feel like this and other times I’m fine which is why I feel confused about why I am like this.
I often find myself thinking if friends wanted to stay in touch they would and that I have nothing worth hearing anyway. Yet, in my better moments, I can clearly see they have sent me messages and it’s me who hasn’t replied to them, and as they know pressuring me has an adverse effect, they are waiting on me.
My anxiety tells me people don’t care about me, which just isn’t true, people show me they care yet my mind tries to tell me otherwise.
My anxiety will leave me feeling restless yet wanting to be calm by curling up in a ball in bed and pretending the whole world just doesn’t exist.
Everything is an effort, getting up in the morning, having a shower, washing my hair, eating, drinking its all too much effort and I’m left feeling numb.
Due to all this, I drive people away although I desperately don’t want to. I’m afraid of having a full-blown panic attack in front of people and causing them embarrassment even though they assure me it doesn’t. Seriously who wants to associate with a crazy woman.
My anxiety causes no end of misunderstandings and people who don’t know me make plenty of assumptions and some of them are not quiet about voicing their opinions having no idea of the impact their words have on me as let’s face it they are just ignorant behaving that way.
As much as I would like to be able to turn my anxiety on and off, that just isn’t possible, it’s a mental illness like any other, and I didn’t ask for or deserve this.
I am not trying to push people away, I am trying to protect them from myself and I hope one day they understand why I pushed them away.
I fight my anxiety every day and I hope that one day I will come out of the other side and return to the woman I once knew.
Just know I’m here, still trying and I hope you will wait for me.