My Anxiety Has Taken Over My Life And I’m Left Feeling Unlovable And Alone

My anxious thoughts have always prevented me from reaching out to my loved ones. It’s strange how anxiety can have a direct influence on my social habits. I trick people into believing that I purposely ignore them because I don’t want them to think that I’m desperate or trying too hard. Whether it’s a new dress or a new hairstyle, my anxiety prevents me from complimenting them because I’m scared that I will come off as creepy and strange. I refuse to invite them out for lunches and dinners because I’m scared that they will say no. I know they think that I’m this ignorant friend with a big fat ego, while in reality I just don’t know how to cope with my anxiety while maintaining friendships.

My anxious thought process tells me to not call or text my friends because I might come off as a hindrance to them. I just don’t want to come off as a nuisance and I don’t want my friends to think that they NEED to initiate a conversation with me every time I contact them.

My twisted mindset has led me to think of myself as an outcast like I don’t fit anywhere. Like the world will be a better place if I didn’t exist. My friends and family would have been happier if I wasn’t in their life. This is the sole reason why I unapologetically cancel our plans at the last moment. I think of it as a favor to them, so they get to avoid any unnecessary interaction with me.

My anxious personality has confined me to my house. It has latched itself so deeply to me that I’m unable to enjoy the activities that once sparked interest in me. My anxiety tells me that as long as I am home, I am safe and sound from any suffering.

My thought process has been a constant hindrance in the way of attracting a potential partner. Even If I set my eyes on someone, I am quickly surrounded by the dreaded thoughts of rejection, infidelity and comparison. What if I’m not smart, playful or hot enough for them?

This anxious mindset prevents me from connecting to people through social media sites. Whether its Facebook or Instagram, the mere thought of messaging an unknown contact or exchanging numbers with someone is dreadful enough for me to quit. It makes me uncomfortable and sick, to begin with.  It makes me wonder what if the other person thinks I’m stupid or desperate based on my responses. Maybe they don’t want a meaningful connection with me, maybe they just got a good laugh by talking to me.

The weight of my anxious thoughts is so devastating that I’m unable to perform the simplest of everyday tasks. Whether it’s posting on Instagram, going to the gym or asking around the grocery store aisles, I immediately freeze. I try to avoid any unnecessary interactions with the people around me, I wonder whether they think I’m stupid or confused? What if they respond in a harsh tone? What if they don’t respond at all? What if they laugh at me? What if they hurt me?

My anxiety is slowly but surely taking over my life. I am unable to perform even the most mundane of tasks. I feel engulfed with the constant pressure. My abilities, my skills are going to waste.

My anxiety prevents me from establishing connections, in fact, I feel like I don’t have any friends anymore.

I tend to think of myself as a self-centred and arrogant friend, who wasn’t there for my friends when they needed me.

Even in a room full of people, I feel all alone, confused and baffled. If only someone would have understood my position, perhaps things would have been better.