But He Never Hit Me

”You leaving will be the death of me. I am clueless without you.”

“You are fully capable of making decisions on your own.”

”You can’t go out without me.”

I suffered in a psychologically abusive relationship for almost two years, but the fact that he didn’t physically abuse me overshadowed all of the mental torment he inflicted on me, and I stayed. During this time, I lost nearly all of my friends and family. My parents’ faith in me was almost completely lost. I spiraled into a deep depression and thought about ending my life, all because of this tumultuous relationship.

It all started in my senior year of high school; I fell for a typical tall, handsome, convincing and charming boy and soon rushed into a serious relationship with him. He made me believe that I was all that he wanted. No one, not even my parents, friends, cousins could make me as happy as he could. His words made me fond of him. He started manipulating me like a puppet while I blindly went along with it. We would hang out with his friends, listen to his music of choice and whatnot.

My friends and family were nothing important to him. They all warned me of the serious consequences that would occur if I kept seeing him, but being young, dumb and in love, I denied everything that people would say. His anger was something that still gives me the creeps. He would lose control and throw things around when he snapped. Once he pinned me to the floor as I was trying to run away, but he never physically hit me.

Prom and graduation rolled around, and I started noticing all my friends leaving me, because of him. I thought he was the only one who cared about me. At my graduation party, he showed up extremely wasted and late. He started to blow off steam on me and forced me to hang out with him only. My parents witnessed this embarrassing scene.

“Even if your best friend is in the lead, we’re not going to this lame musical.”

“Even if you knew this guy since kindergarten, you are not allowed to hangout with him.”

”I left work early for you, so spend time with me. We barely get time together.”

These words brought me to the verge of insanity, yet I didn’t leave because he never hit me.

College started, and I was forced to see him any free moment I had, disregarding all my other plans, homework etc. I had to take the train home to meet him. Because of this I couldn’t make any friends in the first year. He would always make me feel unworthy. He forced me to change my college, my major just because he “didn’t like it”. He proposed to me a year after, so we could ’have a baby’, so that I would never have a reason to leave him.

“I don’t care about meeting your close friends.”

“Lets hangout at my house. Your dorm is too small.”

I didn’t leave him because he made me smile. We had fun together despite all the bad. I thought he would bend for me as I did for him, but he never did.

On an unexpected weekend night spending time with two new friends, when he called and asked me to walk back to my dorm because he wanted to talk. I retaliated because I wanted to spend time with my friends for once, but he kept forcing me. I cried and argued while my friends comforted me. During the summer, I worked long shifts just to avoid seeing him. He would constantly force me to meet him. That’s when I thought about ending my life.

If he had physically abused me, I would have a reason to leave him. I never realized how much he mentally damaged me until I began to actually hate myself because of who he was turning me into. I became a totally different person.

When you start seeing red flags pop up about your man, get out of the relationship asap! Otherwise, you will be stuck forever in this quicksand. Ask for help. We are lucky there are consultants, hotlines and people out there who a help us in situations like these, and don’t be afraid to lean on those who love you. There are sources to help to define violence, and they can help you get out of this before it’s too late.