You have been through hell, you danced in the flames to the beat of the devil’s drum and lived to tell your story.
Only someone who has lived through the hell that you have will be able to understand as those that haven’t lived that life will find it too unbelievable, they think it’s a story made up as no man could possibly be that sick and cruel.
In truth no one goes through exactly the same experience, there are similarities and that is where it ends.
You sat there so bravely telling your story with your head bent down and your voice almost a whisper, at times it was hard to hear you, but no one spoke as they didn’t want to interrupt you.
The pain was so evident in the way you carried your body yet sat perfectly still, your arms wrapped around you as if giving yourself a hug as for anyone else to try and hug you was too much for you to bear.
No one can understand the pain of living in your skin, feeling what you feel, experiencing the desolation of aloneness and thinking that to stop the pain you’d need to remove your heart and soul from your body.
Most wonder why you stayed that is such a thoughtless question but it one most asked. They can’t understand that you stayed because you loved him and you thought he would change if you loved him enough.
He told you so often that the love you both had was a once in a lifetime kind of love and you believed him, we all do get told that and we all do believe them and we are in no way to blame for that, after all, we all want that kind of love.
The reality is very different, the love is made from hells fire and we are burned by its eternal flame forever.
You didn’t know that he was one of life’s great tormentors with a degree in the excellence of vile and disgusting behavior, you didn’t know as you had never been in this position before and when the moment of reality hit it was just too much for your beautiful soul to comprehend.
He did everything right in the beginning, he gave you all that you wished for and you thought you were living the fairy tale of children’s stories, your prince charming to your Cinderella.
He was so artful with his deceit he never changed all at once, it was a drip feed of change over a period of time that it wasn’t until his final act that you saw the make-believe life for what it truly was. His plan was designed long before he even met you, as you my darling are just a repeat performance of how he played with women.
He was feeding off of your pain, and he knew that he had you, he owned you and that you would keep forgiving him, he didn’t care the pain you felt, he loved seeing you like a rabbit caught in the headlights and the more pain you felt the more he increased his shitty behavior until you reached breaking point.
What he didn’t know that whilst all this was going on deep down within you your soul was beginning to fight back, it was doing all it could to keep you sane despite his numerous comments of how crazy you were, you knew you weren’t. You fought on and you knew you would fight with your last breath if need be.
You questioned yourself constantly ‘what have I done wrong to be treated like this?’ the short answer is ‘nothing’. There was nothing for you to be blamed for yet blame yourself you did, we all do that so don’t add guilt to what you are already feeling, none of this is your fault.
You knew in yourself you had to let go of him, yet you couldn’t we all go through that, the letting go phase that seems to never come until one day unexpectedly it does and the shock hit you like a million volts.
Even now there are traits about him you still love and that’s okay he was a huge part of your life, just know when you are mentally ready those thoughts will leave you and you will finally accept the whole truth.
You escaped the toxic life you had with him, but the toxic feelings he gave you have remained, that is normal, it takes time for those feelings to leave and you find yourself constantly apologising, it’s okay, to feel that too, we see you, we hear you, and we are fighting with you all the way.
That life is now over and you are on the road to a new beginning, the road of recovery is long and hard and you will fall down, but you will pick yourself back up.
You will have days of doing nothing but laying in bed, you will cry, you will scream you will go to dark places and your mind will be in turmoil, that is a huge part of the recovery so never feel guilty for finding yourself there.
You still see yourself as a victim, what I see is a survivor, you survived hell, you need to acknowledge that in yourself, it hurts to feel and it hurts to heal, and sometimes it even hurts to live. But live you must.
The leaving is never the end of the story in a way it is the beginning and all that went before is the prologue.
Don’t run from your past, it doesn’t work even though we survivors all try it. Don’t bottle up your thoughts and feelings, live through them and be proud of who you have become. Never be ashamed of your battle scars as they are proof that you are a true warrior.
There is a bright light ahead of you, take a look you can see it. It’s your signal of the wonderful future you have ahead of you, don’t stand stuck where you are replaying all that has happened over and over in your head, start walking and keep walking even when you think you can’t don’t stop crawl if you have to but keep going you got this.
In times of doubt, there was one thing that kept me going and it is by a wonderful poet called Nicole Lyons who just gets it said in a way like no other and in one sentence she nails it;
“She will rise. With a spine of steel and a roar like thunder, she will rise.”
Keep going beautiful the world await you.
All the survivors