Having your heart broken too many times would cause anyone to guard themselves. Many times we are so afraid of being intimate and personal with anyone that we build sky high walls around us, knowing that it will take a lot of strength to break them down and let someone in. Sometimes these walls are so high that we begin to become afraid that no one will be allowed to come close to our hearts ever again.
We guard ourselves because at the end of the day, the only one going through this pain with you is yourself. We carry the baggage of pain inside us and there is always that creeping reminder that history may repeat itself. Everyone at some point in their life has been hurt, in one way or another, but it is no justification for being too careful and distant from feelings and from people, instead of living our lives to the fullest.
But it happened to me. I was given opportunities and people to run after and every single time, I tripped and got hurt from the scars in my past. So, I walked, keeping my pace slow and steady and watching out for every little obstacle on the way. I made myself aware of every characteristic because I am so afraid of not being able to get back up If I fall down again.
I shield myself because this shiny armor of mine is capable of protecting me in more ways than any person is capable of protecting me. No one can save yourself as passionately as you can. I suggest strongly not to give up on your armor until you find someone who can protect you as passionately or more than you can.
I am not someone new to failure and getting up after I fall down. Failure has made me stronger than ever, but it has also planted the deep rooting fear in my heart, that everything can go wrong at anytime. I protect myself because I have been hurt by family, friends, acquaintances, and ones who I once trusted with all my heart and soul. That’s why I don’t blindly trust any person anymore.
Some people think I should be more optimistic and I should open myself up more to people, but they fail to understand the hurt I receive every time I see the people in front of me who have chased away my light. It’s almost as if I can predict when this train of hurt and turmoil is going to hit me and break me to pieces before it even comes in my peripheral vision.
No one loves you without giving pain and no one makes you feel rest assured and relaxed without some type of fear and stress. Only I can love myself without expecting anything in return and without giving myself emotional pain. I have found out that I am the best protector of myself, my soul and my heart than anyone else in this whole world.