Today was a bad day and I allowed it to happen.
I woke up this morning, and there you were in my memories.
The pictures of us all loved up on our last vacation together, smiling full of hopes and dreams of the future, the future that wasn’t to be.
Let’s get one thing straight, I don’t miss you and I don’t want you back, the damage you did is far too great to even consider that, you are just a chapter in my book of life, and there you will be for the rest of my life.
The memories of that vacation flood back in as I scroll through the pictures, my goodness we did take a lot of pictures together, the ultimate happy couple so it seemed, oh how pictures can lie.
I drag myself out of bed, time to get ready for work, and where my memories would then fade back into their place this time, they followed me around.
They were there whilst I showered, washed my hair, perhaps that’s because we always showered together.
Is my mind playing a what ifs game today or is my mind telling me I haven’t really moved on?
I start to put my make up on which results in an epic fail as from nowhere the tears I long thought shed begin to cascade down my face.
I gave up and sat on the floor and just let them have their own way.
I just don’t have the energy to battle the tears back today.
I’m exhausted from crying and the day is only just beginning, I dry my tears, put on my face, extra foundation today as I look so white and head out the door, it’s a working day.
As I drive to work ‘our song’ comes on the radio and I scowl at it, its as if the hands of fate are testing my very last nerve.
So, I force the memories that are not so sweet to the front of my mind, the reason why it all came to such an abrupt end.
Ahh, anger there you are my old friend, that feels better than pathetic tears.
You thought I was a pliable idiot in your hands, that I would not see what a nasty selfish self-centred asshole you really were.
The blinkers came off after that vacation didn’t, they and your verbal abuse came out in force
Suddenly there was this stranger in the house and it was terrifying to see. A man I had no idea existed, a demon in my bed, sucking out my very soul.
I thought I had healed after all this time, I guess not as I wouldn’t have cried so hard as I did this morning, would I?
Then, it hit me. This was me healing, this was the final act of the scene of closure he is gone.
Take a bow, my dear, you made it through to the end.
Healing isn’t always about letting go when you are told you must, it’s about healing in your own time, in your own way and at your own pace.
Never think you are crazy for missing the one who you hurt you, don’t think you are a sad bitch for feeling emotions over a love lost.
That shit you went through, all that pain and sorrow, that is what feeds your soul to move on to who you are for yourself.
If you want to have a bad day like I did, with memories and tears do it, don’t be ashamed to do it.
And truthfully afterwards, my soul has never felt so clean and pure and full of hope.