Anyone who has experienced a relationship with a narcissist will always question themselves as to whether they loved them or appreciate what they did for them, the short answer is ‘No they didn’t love or appreciate you’.
You find yourself in this dark abyss of loving them, but yet being in pain because of their actions, you struggle between staying in the hope they will change and knowing you need to leave for your mental well-being.
The problem is the narcissist does show love and affection, but it’s not ‘real’, they are simply mirroring what you give to them. Then they turn the perceived love and affection off once they feel satisfied that they have hooked you back in.
You become confused by them; you wonder if you are going mad. One minute they love you, the next it appears as if they hate you, they are cruel and ruthless human beings and they leave you feeling worthless, which you are not.
Narcissists claim to love their family and partners, but do they?
This is always a question asked, as they are brilliant actors if they awarded Oscar’s for relationships the narcissist would be a repeat winner.
Elinor Greenberg, Ph.D., a psychotherapist seems to explain the process of falling and staying in love very accurately:
“If you (exes of narcissists) thought that your romantic Narcissistic ex-loved you and wanted to marry you, you are not crazy. Even though he is now gone, your guy meant what he said when he said it to you. He was in love with you, or at least his own romantic fantasy of the two of you as the perfect couple.”
So, it turns out that narcissists may show passion in the early stages of dating.
However, that kind of passion, according to Jungian analyst Robert Johnson, “is always directed at our projections, our expectations, our fantasies … It is a love not of another person, but ourselves.”
And although a narcissist can fall in love (feel strongly attracted) – it isn’t real!
They are incapable of real love, the deep emotions that we feel for them, the desire to want to build a future with someone, is only on their agenda if it suits them, as that is what relationships are for them ‘agendas’.
For most narcissists, their relationships are actually transactional.
They thrive on uncommitted pleasure; you are nothing but a goal to achieve to them. They will manipulate you and those around you, they make themselves out to be this wonderful loving human being when they are far from that.
5 sad truths about narcissists which prove these people are unable to love:
- They cannot stand a partner who’s better than them.
Narcissists are obsessed with being perfect and you can see this clearly when they are around people that are better than them. They become angry, bitter, and envious of anyone who is truly better than them, this especially plays a role in relationships.
- Narcissists have no patience with imperfections in others.
They imagine themselves to be perfect in every way and expect everyone around them to be perfect too. If you are not perfect which let’s be honest no one is, you struggle to live up to this impossible expectation they put on you, it makes the relationship unhealthy and toxic.
- They use others to achieve their own goals.
The term Narcissistic supply was first used by Otto Fenichel, a psychologist, at the beginning of the 20th century. It covers the areas narcissists need such as constant admiration, personal support, and feeding of their self-esteem.
- They don’t give love but manipulation.
Whilst they have you, all that you give them love, kindness, support, etc. is what they want from you, should they feel this beginning to fade they will them manipulate you by humiliating, belittling and embarrassing you to make you get back in line to what they want from you.
- Nothing is ever good enough for narcissists.
They always want more from you, even if you have exhausted all you have to offer them, they will attempt to take more, and should you have nothing more to give then they will simply discard you. Once you are no longer of use, they move on to the next victim, leaving you to recover from the damage they have caused.
If you have a relationship with a narcissist, you better end it.
Don’t think for one minute that if you try hard enough, you could find a way to create a future with this person, doing that is only keeping you tied down to a person who is, in fact, poisonous and you are better off without them.